Futilely Honest

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Gun buyback program aims to restore lost manhood to thousands of flaccid patriots.

"You can't take away a man's gun and destroy his self-confidence and masculinity," said Dr. Herbie Lipschitz, erectile dysfunction specialist. "But we have too many goddamn guns in this country, so I think my program can help."

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As a maverick in the male enhancement industry, Dr. Lipschitz revolutionized the field of penile manipulation with his avant-garde techniques and often controversial procedures. But after decades of dealing with frustrated little men, Lipschitz began to notice a shocking trend.

"I realized almost all of my patients were also avid gun enthusiasts. The severity of the problems in their pants, either with size, girth, or function, were directly related to the quantity of guns they owned or planned to buy," Dr. Lipschitz said.

After hearing about successful gun buyback programs in several major cities, Dr. Lipschitz realized he could offer something a little more enticing. For a limited time, his practice will be offering free male enhancement treatments for anyone willing to quit gun collecting and go gun free in 2013.

"You don't need a gun to be a real man," said Dr. Lipschitz. "You don't need to blame liberals, feminists, or black people for your lack of self-confidence. The problem isn't the exterior, mechanical parts of the body, because I can fix those. The real issue is the puny mind of that frustrated little gun nut -- fixing that will take some time."


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As the wonderfully productive year of 2012 comes to a close, and yet another apocalypse is narrowly averted, it seems everyone has started compiling their personal list of New Year's Resolutions for 2013 ... otherwise known as the year of the three-legged pink unicorn.

Below you'll find our favorite Top 5 reader submissions:

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Number 1 - Lose Weight

"After my seventh child, I could never seem to lose that last five or ten pounds of baby-flub," said Bertha-Jean du Bois, from her hospital bed in Des Moines, Iowa. "Every new year, I promised myself I'd burn off that extra fat, even if it killed me. You see, it's always been my dream to get back down to 350 lbs. and fit into my prom dress again, so when I heard about live organ donations, I knew god had finally answered my prayers."

A liver, kidney, gallbladder or uterus can fetch as much as $75 on the black market, with the added benefit of helping charitable donors lose that extra five to ten pounds which diet and exercise have been unable to diminish.

"I tried all the fad diets, the yo-yo diets, the Cheetos and Mountain Dew diets. Not one of them made me lose any weight," Bertha-Jean said. "But, now, with my spleen removed, I'm getting a helluva lot closer to achieving my weight loss goals. If I survive this surgery, I'm planning on getting my colon and duodenum removed. By summertime, I'll be so fit and trim you won't be able to keep your eyes off of me. Skinny is the new fat."

Number 2 - Save Money

"I've always been a bit of a penny-pincher," said Clarence McCarthy, unemployed hedge fund manager from New York. "This year, I plan to save as much money as I can and cut out all those extraneous expenses. Silly little expenses like my fourth home and my third yacht. If Mitt Romney taught me anything, he taught me the value of the intangible dollar, tied up in oversees bank accounts."

One of the most popular endeavors for bankers and bums alike, saving money as a new year's resolution traces its heritage back to the original founding fathers. Thomas Jefferson was known to hoard vast sums of money which he later used to purchase discounted slaves from wholesalers looking to clear out the previous year's inventory. Some cunning linguists suggest the term "slashing prices" has its origins here.

"This year, I'll sell my second red Ferrari and downsize to something more economical, more practical, like a Rolls-Royce," McCarthy said. "With this unconstitutional tax hike on billionaires, I can't afford to throw my money around willy-nilly. A few percent more in taxes and I might end up in the poor house, or even worse, working at a job that actually reports my income to the government."

Number 3 - Exercise More

"I plan to burn up to five hundred calories an hour practicing my new routine," said Destiny Diamonds, self-described 'health nut' and adult-entertainment website entrepreneur. "With improved flexibility and endurance, I can perform live on my webcam for hours on end, and charge my customers a premium for my trademark over-the-top, tantalizing erotic show."

Medical experts agree, sexual activity provides not only a decent cardiovascular workout, but can also improve strength and vitality where it matters most. Doctors suggest thirty minutes of sexual activity involving two or more individuals is the equivalent of sixty minutes of jogging, while fifteen minutes of self-inflicted stimulation equals over an hour of vigorous squat thrusts.

"In 2013, I promise I'm going to take every opportunity to work some extra exercise into my daily routine," Diamonds said. "A few Kegels here, a few pelvic gyrations there, and I know I'll be on my way to living a happier, healthier, more erotic lifestyle."

Number 4 - Get Married

"2013 is the year I'm going to finally pop the question," said Kyle Casanovian, automobile detailer from Trenton, New Jersey. "My special lady has been waiting for a ring for several years now ... the nipple rings, belly-button rings and clitoral rings just won't cut it any more. I need to finally do the right thing by her and make it official."

With marriages on the rise, 2013 is said to be the luckiest year of the 21st century by six out of 10 psychics and tarot-card readers. In fact, getting married this year is likely to result in the acquisition of untold fortunes, including a mysterious gift from a distant relative, as well as the production of healthy, talented offspring who will go on to achieve wonderful things in life.

"I'm done playing the game," Kyle said. "The ladies down at the club won't miss me much. This year, I'm finally committed to settling down into a caring, loving relationship with the woman of my dreams. My pal Joey is planning the most kick-ass bachelor party of all time. We'll be cruising down to Atlantic City, having some drinks, having some fun ... there won't be a tranny hooker left unscathed."

Number 5 - Fix that gun problem

"Guns don't kill people," said Dwayne Le Pygmee, from an undisclosed location. "People kill people. There just happens to be a gun between them, with bullets being transferred from gunner to gunnee. Don't blame the gun - it's not her fault - she's just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

As the United States prepares for another year of inevitable gun violence to take its deadly toll, many "patriotic" Americans persist in standing by their archaic rhetoric to explain their irrational obsession with owning vast quantities of devices which serve no purpose other than to kill.

"It's my right, as an American, to own the most deadly handheld weapons in the world, and lots of them too," Le Pygmee said. "I've got thousands of rounds of ammunition and I'm fully capable of dispensing those babies at several dozen per second. You know, for hunting and household protection and stuff."

"Guns ain't the problem. It's them video games. And movies. They are the ones responsible for turning people into psychopaths. Hell, any nutcase can walk into Walmart and buy them!" said Le Pygmee.

"Trying to regulate guns in America is the worst idea since the prohibition of slavery. It's worse than the civil rights movement. Taking guns out of American's greasy fat hands will lead to anarchy. How are people supposed to live? And more importantly, how are people supposed to protect themselves. Look at all those lawless countries in western Europe - those heathens live in constant fear because they don't have enough guns laying around. Guns make things safer. The bad guy has a gun, so the good guy needs ten guns. Makes sense. Just watch out for the crossfire, and don't forget to duck," Le Pygmee said.


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2012 Presidential Contender

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     "I'm conservatively liberal, and liberally conservative, whatever the case may be," said Rott Mimney, former state politician and future Republican presidential candidate. "As they say, I like to swing both ways. I'll do anything to convince the ignorant, poverty-stricken voters of America that I'm the best man, or woman, for the job of White House CEO."

With the field of presidential candidates dwindling, Rott Mimney is likely to seize the GOP nomination despite considerable controversy from all sides of his supposedly conservative base. However, as a former businessman with plenty of experience appeasing shareholders, Mimney is willing to sacrifice virtually everything in order to maintain his newly conservative image for the upcoming election.

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"Don't believe my opponents. I'm a hardcore conservative fothermucker. I don't have a liberal bone in my body. I hate hippies, socialists and the homeless. Poor people can go to hell. Environment? If it gets in the way of business, I say screw it. Nothing is going to stop the flow of commerce, not even mother nature. I'll drill through a pack of reindeer if there's an ounce of oil in the ground beneath them," said Mimney to the Disassociated Press.

Conservatives wary of Mimney's stance on social issues have questioned his religious background, calling for a more concrete affirmation of his devotion to the right-wing obsession with bigotry, misogyny and fear-mongering.

"When I'm elected president, Christianity in America will be safe once again," Mimney said. "The current administration's war against religion will finally come to an end and their masturbatory treachery will be washed away by the baptismal waters of our new American theocracy. Every citizen will be required by law to wear magical Mormon socks ... the same magical socks worn by the Archangel Spumoni."

"Faith is not an option," Mimney explained. "Faith is the foundation of our economy. How else do you explain the 200 years of deception? For centuries now, poor people have believed the delusion that one day they'll be wealthy. Ha ha ha, now that's what I call faith!"

The stagnant economy has also challenged candidates to introduce a reasonable plan for job-creation and financial recovery. While many in the Republican party have praised his business-friendly, take-no-prisoners approach to economic stimulation, some have raised considerable doubts about the integrity of a candidate with enormous personal wealth.

"I believe in America. The Swiss bankers who hold my money believe in America," Mimney said. "This is a strong, prosperous nation with millions of hard-working taxpayers surviving the American Dream. I personally want to thank all the little people for shouldering the tax burden of us One Percenters. Really, you guys are great, thanks a million. And don't forget to vote for me, Rott Mimney, because I'm just a regular guy like you."


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New Banking Fees Explained

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"Sure, we are more than happy to hold on to your money for you," said Larry Dieb, senior financial services analyst at Bank of Americant, "but if you ever want to use it, it's going to cost you ... boy, is it going to cost you!"

As the nation's largest banking institutions begin rolling out new debit card fees, millions of consumers wonder how it is possible for banks to start charging yet another inexplicable "convenience fee" for a service that was once universally free of charge.

"It feels like a visit to the proctologist every time I swipe my debit card," said Thomas Clochard, an unemployed landscape architect. "And without health insurance, my next colonoscopy is going to be prohibitively expensive. I'll bend over once for the doctor, and then again for my bank. Profiting from sickness and poverty is the American Way."

According to banking experts, charging consumers an additional fee is absolutely necessary in order to maintain the record profits of the top five largest banks. Forcing ninety-nine percent of consumers to pay debit fees for spending their own money is the only way to keep the nation's top one percent above the poverty line. In fact, many banking industry CEOs have already considered applying for government assistance to compensate for the inevitable consumer backlash.

"It's been tough, these past few years, just to make ends meet," said Derrick Voleur, CEO of Scamerica Bank and Trust. "I'm not even sure my yacht will have a place to sleep tonight. I personally blame the current socialist regime for the problems in the financial industry. That socialist in the white house is trying to punish the banks, and as every American knows, bankers don't take threats lightly -- the American people will end up suffering dearly."

After billions of dollars from the last government bailout of the banking industry were given away in the form of bonuses to banking executives, many financial analysts believe the industry is still unstable and ready for another collapse. Debit card fees may be the first in a series of charges passed on to consumers, with ATM "cash dispersal" fees set to roll out next year. A new "pay per check" fee of $1 for writing a check is currently in a testing phase in several markets.

"We're in the business of making money from money," explains Sean Tricheur, Vice President of Chaste Bank. "We provide financial services and charge reasonable fees for electronically transferring numbers from one computer to another. I don't know exactly what those fees are -- I haven't used a debit card myself in years -- but I'm sure our customers will understand it's simply the cost of doing business. We're not a charity and never claimed to be. If you expect a free handout, build yourself your own bank and get one from the government."

Some opportunistic local banks have taken advantage of the new debit card fees to lure clientele away from the mega-corporations and into smaller, family-owned establishments. Offering little or no fees for services is an attractive feature some consumers demand when shopping for a new bank.

"We will never charge a fee for debit cards," said Pastor Freddie Snyder, President of First Christian Bank in Armadillo Springs, Arkansas. "Charging a fee for debit cards ain't right. It's just not the Christian thing to do. We offer free banking services to all good Christians and anyone willing to accept Jesus Christ as his lord and financial savior."

Other consumers turned off by the banking industry fiasco have come up with their own plans for beating the debit card fees. Billy Bunter, an unemployed bricklayer in Cleveland, is already making progress toward his goal of avoiding the new banking fees. Despite facing foreclosure from his bank, Billy remains cautiously optimistic.

"I'm sick and tired of dealing with my bullshit bank," Billy said. "So, I dug a giant hole in my backyard, and when I finally find another job and start making money again, I'm going to put all my earnings in that hole and call it 'Billy's Bank'. No fees whatsoever! But, if everything doesn't work out, worst case scenario, I'll just bury myself in that hole and call it a day. The epitaph should read, 'My bank stole my American Dream' ..."


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Alien_head.jpg"I spent the past 22 years as a proctologist, but I find this line of work much more rewarding," said Dr. Herbie Lipschitz, recent graduate of Brumville College of UFOlogy. "I was fed up with my crappy job and wanted to try my hand in something different and exciting, something out of this world. That's when I decided to enroll in Brumville College. After just 14 months of night classes, I was launched into my new career as a certified UFOlogist."

Like many working-class Americans, Dr. Lipschitz found himself working a dead-end job with little hope of ever achieving his American dream. After struggling for several years, the recent worldwide economic catastrophe put the final nail in the coffin of his failing private practice.

"Business was slow. With a tough economy and strained finances, most patients consider a visit to the proctologist to be a luxury reserved only for the rich and famous. I had a family to support, a mortgage to be paid, and the bills were starting to pile up. I knew there was money to be made out there, but I didn't know where. That's when I made an appointment with the career conselors at Brumville College."

Using state-of-the-art job-matching software engineered by some of the most respected psychics in the field, Career Specialists at Brumville College are able to find the perfect line of work for each and every student. After paying tuition in full, students are able to pursue a wide range of courses and receive fully-accredited certificates with respectable credentials, like a Doctorate in Alien Telepathy, a Ph.D. in Abduction Memory Retrieval Hypnosis, or any number of "fast-track" diplomas like a Bachelor of Intergalactic Technologies or a Master of Extraterrestrial Communications.

"Spice is the variety of life, and every day is something different. On Monday, I'll be investigating a possible UFO crash site behind Johnny Q's Liquor Store. On Tuesday, I'll be reviewing recently discovered photographs of alien encounters left behind in room 39 at the Sleepy Pines Motel. Wednesday, I'll be at Shady Oaks Trailer Park to examine an alleged victim of ARI (alien rectal invasion). My previous job experience will definitely come in handy," said Dr. Lipschitz.

Brumville College of UFOlogy also offers a free career guidance packet with extensive salary information for all prospective students. On average, graduates make between $11,295 and $13,252 per year, with statistics indicating massive job growth in the "specialized services" industry over the next 20 years.

"One in five Americans believe aliens have visited Earth, and that statistic is actually much higher in rural, undeveloped areas. In fact, almost one-third of Americans in the Bible Belt claim to have experienced some form of anal violation by unknown creatures of the the night," said Dr. Lipschitz. "We still don't fully understand why, but apparently aliens have travelled millions of light-years to invade the anuses of Evangelical Christians living in economically depressed regions of the south and midwest. My research will some day uncover the secrets behind their diabolical plan."

"Indeed, business is booming," said Professor Xavier Zargo, assistant dean of Brumville College and bestselling author of award-winning books like Alien Internal: The Threat from Within, and Abduct My Heart: An Alien Love Story. "With so many people out of work, UFO sightings are a regular occurrence. Alien abductions are on the rise. Probings have increased tenfold. Obviously, aliens have taken advantage of the stagnant economy and high unemployment to escalate their invasion of planet earth. For UFOlogists, there will never be a shortage of work to do."


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Follow these simple steps to get started in your new and exciting career working with disembodied spirits.

Equipment Needed:
Flashlight
Night-vision camera (thermal imaging optional)
Infrared Thermometer or similar temperature-sensing device
Handheld voice recorder (for capturing EVP)
Black clothing, prefarably a tight-fitting jumpsuit with many pockets and straps for gear
Religious relics, crucifixes, and very old-looking bibles
Hair dye (jet black)
Walkie-Talkies with earpieces and boom mics
Black eyeliner (or "guy-liner")
Website, Business cards and other marketing materials

1. The first step toward starting your new career as a ghost hunter is by far the most important: Your New Look. Ghost hunters are sensitive, brooding, mysterious individuals with a genuine connection to "the other side", so therefore it is of the utmost importance that your appearance convey the same message to your clients. Black clothing, hair and makeup are the standard "uniform" of your average Ghost Hunter, but don't be afraid to take your look to the next level (think hardcore Christian punk rocker) and adorn yourself with stylistically appropriate jewelry, such as studded leather wristbands, celtic cross necklaces, and crucifix earrings. Dress for success!

2. Get to know your gear. Locate the ON and OFF switches. Understanding the finer details of your equipment is not necessary. Make sure you NEVER clean the lens of any imaging device, especially night-vision video cameras (dust and fingerprints are required). Temperature-sensing devices and handheld voice recorders must only operate on nearly-depleted batteries. Never use fresh batteries in any electronic ghost-hunting device. All devices must be calibrated to their most sensitive setting, especially devices with numerical displays capable of showing rapid fluctuations. Flashlights must only be held in a fist, tactical-style.

3. Talk the talk. Learn to use the correct pseudo-scientific terminology. Never use simple words to describe natural phenomena and don't be afraid to speculate wildly. Use phrases like, "I'm sensing ... a presence", or "I feel ... we're not alone", and don't forget to pause mid-sentence. Choose your words carefully, never be too specific. Rather than simply say, "the temperature in this corner of the attic is three degrees colder", try something like "I'm getting a reading on the spectrometer ... the infrared is off the chart ... there's something over here". Remember to take advantage of the ambiguity.

4. Location, location, location! Choose only the most haunted locations for your paranormal investigations, such as old cemeteries, dilapidated mental hospitals, and abandoned houses with Victorian-style architecture. Places with excessive dust, spider webs, narrow hallways and staircases are prime locations for hauntings. Only buildings with peeling paint, crumbling foundations and water-damaged ceilings are capable of harboring ghosts. Make sure each location is cluttered with creepy ghost-friendly props, like broken furniture, old-fashioned medical equipment, outdated children's toys, etc.

5. Perform a rigorous investigation. Check the temperature of every corner of every room, because any slight fluctuation is obviously an indication of ghost infestation. Set up your camera equipment in dusty, drafty areas with plenty of airborne particles floating around and record the "orbs" as undeniable proof of a supernatural presence. Handheld voice recorders only work properly when the microphone is constantly abused. Every possible recorded sound can only be explained as a disembodied voice from beyond the grave, known in the industry as electronic voice phenomena (EVP). Radio interference does not exist.

6. Deny Occam's Razor. There are no simple explanations in the field of paranormal investigation. Every absurd, outlandish, unbelievable explanation is a valid pseudo-scientific theory. Ghosts and spirits exist in another dimension and are capable of communicating with us in ways conventional "science" can not explain. Remember, those unknown "energies" are beyond the realm of human perception.

7. Avoid skeptics and the deadly poison of skepticism. In your new and exciting (and lucrative!) career as a ghost hunter, you're bound to encounter the odd skeptic, disbeliever or convicted atheist who will attempt to discredit your valuable services as nothing more than a vicious scheme to profit from ignorance and superstition. Don't worry, these unhappy creatures obsessed with "reality" and "the truth" are incapable of understanding the world of ghosts and will live the rest of their lives never worrying about what will happen in the afterlife. What a sad existence!

8. Be vigilant. If you don't find the ghost, keep looking! Sooner or later you'll find something, and that "something" is obviously evidence of paranormal activity.

Follow these eight simple steps and embark on an amazing journey into the unknown!



CAUTION: Avoid sharing the details of your line of work with professionals in the psychiatric field.


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Marge Whitley for Governor

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On Wednesday, former Internet Entrepreneur Marge Whitley announced her candidacy for Governor of California, entering herself into a controversial gubernatorial race already crowded with countless fraudsters and charlatans seeking their place on the 2011 election ballot.

According to the official press release, Marge Whitley's background as an Internet Entrepreneur is "more than sufficient" experience for politics and makes her fully capable of running the nation's most populous state.

"I have years of experience in the dynamic world of E-Commerce and Internet Entrepreneurialism," Marge Whitley said. "Running a business, especially an internet business, is just like running the state of California. Actually, I would say I'm overqualified to be governor."

As the CEO of JUNK-SWAPPING.COM, Marge Whitley turned one of the most successful internet commerce websites into a financial disaster, costing the business billions of dollars in revenue as her "Slash and Burn" management strategy spun out of control. After laying off thousands of employees and alienating millions of customers, Whitley says her "Scorched Earth" policy is exactly what California needs in this time of economic crisis.

"California is just like an E-Business -- our success is all about traffic. In order to succeed, we need to encourage the 'good' traffic like small businesses and jobs to come back to California, while we keep the 'bad' traffic like resource-depleting illegal immigrants out of California. That is my plan for the future of the state," Whitley said.

Marge Whitley's controversial remarks on a variety of issues have generated additional notoriety as she remains the only candidate to demand "lesbians and liberals" stay away from the voting booths on election day. Being a social pariah is how she gets things done, Whitley said.

"I am unabashedly Pro-Life, Pro-Marriage, Pro-Gun, and most importantly, Pro-Business. Unlike other candidates, I don't believe in courting the fringe-voters and fence-sitters. My base is firmly planted in the ultra-Conservative right-wing politics of the Tea Party. No one can accuse me of flip-flopping ... I've always voted far-right," Whitley said.

However, Marge Whitley's voting record cannot be called into question by other candidates as Whitley has refused to vote in any election for nearly three decades. Women should not exercise their rights, such as their right to vote, if deemed an unnecessary nuisance by their husbands, Whitley said.

"Women need to respect the voting process and let their husbands do all the voting. It's too difficult for women to vote, especially when your only choices are bleeding-heart liberals and homosexuals. That's why I didn't vote during all those years I lived in California," Whitley said.

Although claiming to live in California for decades, information uncovered by various news organizations indicates Marge Whitley lived in other states for the majority of her life and knows very little about the challenges facing the socially and economically diverse state of California.

Other candidates have challenged Whitley's stance on everything from the environment to marriage and immigration, often finding inconsistencies in the vague and distorted message promoted by Whitley's self-funded campaign. After spending untold millions of dollars of her own money on vicious media advertisements known as "attack ads", Whitley's campaign has only succeeded in confusing voters and candidates alike.

"Marge Whitley will say anything to get elected, because it's just a silly contest for her own entertainment," said opponent Bill Jefferson. "She will slither between the issues and continue to use ambiguous language to downplay her ignorance and lack of experience in politics. I think she's a vindictive bottom-feeder desperately seeking a 'promotion' to governor despite being utterly unqualified, only to satiate her egomaniacal obsession with power and control."

Meanwhile, conservative voters are left questioning the truthfulness behind Whitley's attack ads, as her stance on several issues has evolved over the course of the campaign, something conservatives reject in all shapes and forms. Republican voter Clyde Cruthers Jr. says changing her stance is a fatal mistake this far into the campaign.

"I was happy to learn Marge Whitley hated Mexicans," said Clyde. "I was definitely going to vote for her when she said she would build an electric fence with machine-gun turrets along the Mexican border. But now she softened her immigration stance to deportation only -- who knows what other issues she'll flip-flop on just to appeal to centrists. I doubt she still advocates punishing abortioners and homosexuals with castration, like she did earlier in her campaign," Clyde said.

Whitley's remarks on the environment have also been criticized by conservatives and liberals for being too cryptic this late in the election season. Conservatives said her calls to repeal environmental protection laws are simply not enough to stimulate the economy, while liberals said allowing industries to destroy the environment without any government oversight is a reckless tactic with only short-term advantages for company executives hoping to profit from her anti-environment pro-business plan for governing a state in economic crisis.

"If I learned anything from the internet, I know for a fact global warming is a myth," Whitley said. "Therefore, it is our responsibility to exploit California's environment for all its available resources. No forest will be left uncut. No oil will be left undrilled. No sea will be left undumped. We will extract every last ounce of resources mother nature has to offer and I will stop at nothing to create jobs for Californians," Whitley said.

Detractors have questioned the mental stability of a candidate known for violent outbursts and physically assaulting employees, while mental health experts said aggressive, confrontational behavior resulting in battery is a telltale sign of untreated mental illness.

"Sure, I've stepped on a few toes," Whitley said. "If anyone gets in my way, I'll change their minds the old-fashioned way: with my fists. California is suffering an economic crisis because of the effeminate leadership in Sacramento who are unwilling to throw down and go to battle at a moment's notice. I'll fix Sacramento by shoving it in the right direction. I'll put the unemployed back to work by sticking a giant Republican foot up their asses. That's how I bring people together," Whitley said.

Election observers said Marge Whitley's candidacy is not a surprise as California has an embarrassing history of allowing absolutely anyone to run for governor, no matter how bizarre or unqualified they may be. Marge Whitley joins a long list of candidates including porn stars, failed actors and bodybuilders who tried their luck in the gubernatorial gamble.

"Marge Whitley is unbelievably naive and shockingly unqualified," said Dr. Candi Capezolli, Professor of Political Science at Melon University. "She's a ruthless business shark with a sordid history of aggressively attacking anything standing in the way of profit. Her strategies have always backfired and numerous financial scandals plagued her career in business. Marge Whitley will drive California into the ground ... and honestly, at this point, that's not going to be difficult to do," Dr. Capezolli said.


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The following is a transcript from a recent debate regarding the Ground Zero Mosque. Participants in the debate included Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne, Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie, and British Aristocratic Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors.

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Q: IF A MOSQUE IS BUILT NEAR GROUND ZERO, WHAT WILL IT SYMBOLIZE?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "It will symbolize a healing of wounds and the beauty of religious tolerance. I believe faith is strong in America because we have a long and colorful history of accepting all forms of religious extremism, no matter how bizarre they may be ... just look at the Mormons in Utah, or the Scientologists in Hollywood."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "It ain't nothing but a symbol of terrorism and building it on the mass graves of 9/11 means the terrorists have won. America is a Christian nation and most of the fallen heroes of 9/11 were Christian, therefore we ought to honor their souls by building a Christian Church, not a terrorist mosque."

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Quite simply put, the mosque is a symbol of Islam, and the location of its construction is irrelevant. Islam is a diabolically misogynistic religion, completely incompatible with Western Civilization, and it will continue to spread fear and hatred regardless of whether or not the mosques are built."


Q: IN AMERICA, IS FREEDOM OF RELIGION A STRENGTH OR A WEAKNESS?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Freedom of religion is the strongest pillar in the foundation of America, and much more important than any other freedom, such as the freedom of speech which we take for granted. Without religious freedom, there would be no need for any of the other freedoms."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "I reckon we ought to revise that bit about religious freedom to exclude crazy Muslamics from taking advantage of it. They don't have freedom of religion in the middle-east, so why do we need to have it here?"

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Freedom of religion is merely an excuse for tolerating radical fundamentalists who threaten civilization with their Draconian beliefs. Tolerating violence simply because it is shrouded under the protective umbrella of religion is morally reprehensible and self-destructive. America would be stronger if 'freedom FROM religion' was cherished above all else."


Q: SHOULD THE MOSQUE BE RELOCATED FURTHER AWAY FROM GROUND ZERO?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Ground Zero is a sacred place of worship and banning anyone from the area is an outrage. Ground Zero should become a shrine of religious tolerance and welcome people of all faiths with open arms. Everyone should come together to pray so we can open up a meaningful, multi-faith dialogue."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "Yeah, they should relocate that mosque back to Arabia, and take all the other mosques with them."

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "This is not the first mosque ever to be built in New York City, yet it has been manipulated into a controversy by right-wing Christian zealots who would rather turn Ground Zero into a memorial of holy war and the subsequent crusade into the middle-east. Mosques should not be built in any place, nor should a church or a syngogue. The human race can simply do without another place of worship."


Q: IS ISLAM A 'RELIGION OF PEACE'?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Like all religions, Islam is mostly peaceful, but sometimes a few atrocities are committed by a minority of extremists. We must ignore those atrocities and only focus on the positive aspects of Islam. Most of the world has forgiven the crimes of Christianity and Judaism, so it is only right that we do the same for Islam."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "Islam is a religion of terror. Muslims want to wipe Israel off the map and attack any country that supports the Jews. They encourage suicide bombers to attack innocent people and praise them for killing 'infidels'. And don't forget ... Muslims hate women."

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Peacefulness is not a characteristic of any Abrahamic religion, and Islam in particular is by far the most vile and treacherous of the three. Certainly, the others had their moments, but right now Islam is the primary threat to civilization. Peace is impossible to achieve when the vast majority of the world still believes in subjugating themselves beneath an imaginary deity, and then using their idiosyncratic interpretation of ancient scripture as an excuse for committing the most horrendous acts of violence. Or, to put it another way, perhaps you should ask any of the millions of Muslim women who have suffered under the tyranny of Islam whether or not living life as a shrouded and abused animal is considered 'peaceful'?"


Q: SWITZERLAND BANNED MINARETS, SHOULD AMERICA DO THE SAME?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "The United States will never ban any form of religion. In my experience, outlawing something only makes it more mysterious and desirable to young people -- like drugs. Excluding Islam from America only fuels the fires of intolerance."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "What's a minaret?"

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Western Civilization should not tolerate Islam in any shape or form, and the small but important steps to limit the spread of that religion in Europe are necessary in America as well. The long-term goal of any society must be to move forward, not backward into the Dark Ages. It is deplorable for a modern society to tolerate the existence of a religion that contradicts everything Western Civilization has achieved since the Enlightenment."


Q: IF THE MOSQUE IS NOT BUILT NEAR GROUND ZERO, WHAT SHOULD BE BUILT THERE INSTEAD?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Ground Zero should have a permanent monument of religious tolerance which treats all dogmas with respect and dignity."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "They should rebuild the World Trade Center and rename it the Christian Trade Center. Dare the Muslims to attack something like that!"

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "A rebuilding of Ground Zero should acknowledge the reasons why the World Trade Center was destroyed. Perhaps one day Americans will understand that religion is responsible for such atrocities and realize it was a mistake to ignore the spread of Islam. I would recommend a modest memorial plaque simply stating, 'Like so many things, the World Trade Center was destroyed by religion'."


Q: WHY ARE SOME AMERICANS AGAINST BUILDING THE MOSQUE?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Maybe it is still too soon for some Americans to consider a mosque near Ground Zero. Time heals all wounds ... even the massive gaping hole left in the ground where the World Trade Center used to be."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "Americans are afraid of Islam, and justifiably so. Americans know mosques are breeding grounds for terrorists."

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Americans are against the mosque for the wrong reasons. Most of the people who condemn the mosque have an irrational fear of Islam and foreigners in general, yet harbor extremist religious views of their own. Indeed, right-wing Christian conservatives oppose this Ground Zero Mosque simply because it is Islamic. Americans should be against the mosque, Islam, and the idea of religion as a whole."


Q: WHY DO SOME AMERICANS SUPPORT THE BUILDING OF THE MOSQUE?

Unitarian Minister Pat Leslie: "Some Americans realize we all share one world and the only way to heal wounds is through acceptance and forgiveness."

Tea Party Activist Dusty Dwayne: "Americans who support the building of mosques? They must be terrorist infiltrators, or liberal pacifists who think building a mosque there will protect New York from future terrorist attacks. Appeasement is treason."

Atheist Sir Archibald Llewellyn-Majors: "Many Americans are simply delusional and blindly accept the exercising of so-called 'freedoms', such as the false sympathy toward the building of this mosque. What they don't realize is that by supporting a mosque, any mosque, and by tolerating Islam they inadvertently reinforce one of the greatest crimes against humanity, and I'm not referring to the destruction of the World Trade Center, but the crimes committed against millions of Muslim women everyday. Those who tolerate Islam support the ritualistic abuse of women. If you allow them to build a mosque, you therefore condone their treatment of women. Americans, especially American women, ought to be against any organization that openly disdains their very existence."


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2010, August 12 -- By Alastair Thackery

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"Socialism" has become the number one fear of most Americans, with "death" slipping to second place, according to the results of a recent survey by FE Research Group.

"This is not a condemnation of socialism, but merely a product of American jingoism infiltrating the minds of the disgruntled masses," said Dr. Kirby Raskolnikov, professor of political science at Smetana University College. "The majority of Americans still confuse xenophobia with patriotism -- they allow the irrational fear of foreign governments to dictate their political views."

In the survey, Americans were asked to list their top ten fears and then indicate whether or not they believed each fear influenced their voting record. Over two-thirds of those surveyed said fear of socialism was a determining factor in voting for local and state politicians sponsored by the Tea Party Movement, while nearly half of respondents said socialism was the political affiliation shared by Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Barack Obama. Another twenty percent indicated Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were also socialists.

"As the economic crisis worsens, many Americans are scared and the right-wing political machine has taken advantage of their fear and named it 'socialism'," said Vlad Lennon, political commentator and author of the bestselling book Poor White Cash: The 21st-Century Credit Crisis. "At this junction, I doubt most disaffected Americans know anything about socialism or government in general. For them, taxes are synonymous with communism. Apparently, they expect governments to function without taxing citizens, yet somehow provide safety, security, finance wars, and maintain everything from public schools to the basic infrastructure of the nation."

Following "death" as the second most common fear, "evolution taught in public schools" was third on the list of top ten fears. In fourth place, "free healthcare" was another new addition to the list, adding to the growing dissatisfaction of many Americans who fear the ramifications of providing medicine to the poor, sick and dying.

"A substantial number of Americans are completely against any attempts to provide free or low-cost healthcare to the poor," said Dr. Deepak Chowdry, who runs a free clinic for the homeless, recently evicted, and soon-to-be foreclosed. "I don't understand why so many Americans want the poor to die from treatable illnesses. Access to healthcare is not socialism: it is a human right."

"Favorite sports team loses championship" and "gasoline prices" held the fifth and sixth places on the list, respectively. In seventh place, "repealing gun rights" maintained its usual place on the list as one of the most common fears of Americans, while the fear of "legalizing abortion" slipped to eighth place.

"Well, with that fuzzy math, it might seem like Americans are more concerned about losing their guns than their unborn babies," said Buck Broman, Tea Party activist from Texas. "But we here in the Tea Party see the issues as one in the same: we need them guns to protect our daughters from those abortioners."

In ninth place, fear of the "de-Christianization" of American society revealed the concerns of many respondents who felt embattled in a nation losing its faith. Forty percent of those surveyed also said removing "god" from the US currency would be considered a hostile act worthy of civil war, while another thirty percent said refusing to recite "one nation under god" is an act of treason that deserves to be punished.

Finally, the tenth most common fear of Americans, "big words", was not a surprise to high-school English teacher Kevin Krikorian. "Literacy in the US is at an all-time low," Krikorian said. "Most of my students do not know the difference between a 'socialite' and a 'socialist'. Some of them actually think Paris Hilton has a political affiliation."

The Top Ten Fears of Americans, 2010:

1. Socialism
2. Death
3. Evolution Taught In Public Schools
4. Free Healthcare
5. Favorite Sports Team Loses Championship
6. Gasoline Prices
7. Loss of "gun rights"
8. Legalization of Abortion
9. de-Christianization of Society
10. Big Words

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